It got me thinking about him. I can't say I was in love because I don't know the meaning of that word and I have not met people around my age group that have been happy because of that word plus have got committment phobia but I was truly happy with him. Then I got scared, I didn't want this kind of feeling, it has never ended good for me and for sure All good things come to an end the timing of this is what makes the difference for evrything. So I couldn't be truly happy again, I was always waiting for when the rumours will start, the lies, the cheating, the deception, the mysterious messages, even the anger at seeing his face. I was never there emotional to enjoy the moments that we shared. My mind was always preparing itself for when all of it will change, I didn't want to suffer any emotional trauma or pain. I was so consumed by need to ready for the pain that I didnt realise when he drifted away from me. Maybe I pushed him away with my attitude of being there but never there. I know I blamed him for everything but now after reflecting I can't believe I was that bad. Even with all my preparation, I wasn't prepared for the feeling I got when I realised what he had done, it was painful. The thought of it being my fault is even more painful than him cheating. Now that I think of it I should take the blame for it all. Sometimes, it is not a guy's fault that he cheats. Maybe if I had let in him on what I was going through, he would have helped me get through it. He would have told me that I had every right to be happy. Maybe if I hadn't been bothered about when it was going to end I would have truly enjoyed it or it wouldn't have ended so soon. I am truly sorry I locked him out when you where supposed to be a part of it. I could only feel so much pain after it all, on the surface I felt like a BossLady after being over with him but now thinking deep down the feeling below was not sweet at all. I realised I did it cos I thought I needed to not because I felt like doing it. I can't bring myself apologize to his face or even his voice but I have learnt now. Maybe if he ever get to read this he will know that I am truly for what I did to him. Hope he doesn't meet another like me. My attitude of not living in the moment cost me alot: HIM.
PS: On a random note, Wande Coal has two videos to his Bumper2Bumper. The first was probably a due to recession but the new one his better in my own opinion.